Depression is Lame

Depression is lame. Have you experienced depression? Struggling with depression? It can affect everything, even the taste of food. At Peak Relational Counseling, we provide depression therapy to help young adults and others to break free from the grey apathy or red anger that clouds their lives. If you’ve ever felt like you’re living in a fog, you’re not alone. When I work with clients, they often ask, “Why do I feel this way?” As a therapist for many young adults, I explore their perspectives on what causes depression, but the real power lies in moving beyond “why” to “how.”

What Causes Depression? Insights from Therapy

What do you think causes depression? Is it spiritual, environmental, or a chemical imbalance? In my experiences conducting mental health counseling in Utah County, I hear clients point to distant parents, struggling marriages, or brain chemistry. Understanding these causes can guide us toward solutions, but it’s not always enough. If your depression stems from a complacent spouse or an unchangeable past, where does that leave you?

The truth is, depression is complex. According to Harvard Health, it’s rarely one factor. A chemical imbalance might play a role, but behavioral habits—like late nights, poor diet, or isolation—can create or worsen it. In my experience with depression therapy, we don’t just treat the “why.” We address the “how” with actionable steps. While medication can help, therapy for depression empowers you to regain control.

I think it can be helpful to understand what we know about depression because our explanation or ideas about what causes depression can push us toward attempted solutions, or in some cases a dead end. If you think the answer to what causes depression is 100% spiritual then you may try a spiritual solution. And if that doesn’t work, are you depressed because you are a bad person and are not trying hard enough? If you think depression is caused primarily due to an environmental factor like your marriage, what do you do if your spouse is complacent and refuses to work on the relationship? Are you doomed to suffer from depression until the marriage ends? Is it merely a chemical imbalance that just requires a pill or combination of medications to get things back in balance in the brain? What happens if you can’t find the right pill or the side effects cause you to gain weight or destroy your libido, gain weight, feel totally numb or just don’t work like 2/3 of the people that try them? 

Chances are the cause of our depression is more complex than most of us realize. A magic bullet therefore needs to be sophisticated for it to work and requires more than remembering to take the anti-depressant on time. I want to refer to the Harvard health website. If you search online the question: “What causes depression?” The first legitimate site you can turn to is found here: http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/what-causes-depression.htm. As they explain, depression is typically caused by a number of factors. The short answer I hear a lot from some professionals is that it is a chemical imbalance. The implication sometimes is that taking the right medication will solve your depression. In some cases that is the case. However, one thing to remember is that a chemical imbalance can be caused by behavioral factors. For instance, if you are generally happy but for whatever reason get in the habit of watching TV every night for a couple of hours, staying up late, eating unhealthy foods, checking your Facebook feed frequently, and not getting any kind of exercise or other fulfilling stimulation, eventually you will feel lethargic, unfulfilled and eventually genuinely depressed. Now you have a chemical imbalance. Is it possible to correct a chemical imbalance by taking medications? Clearly it is possible and warranted in some cases. I am glad for people where all they need is medication and the side effects are minimal. Let me be clear, I do not tell people to not use medications. (Especially if the depression is part of a bipolar cycle. Bipolar depression is a different animal altogether than Depression. I encourage clients who are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder to take what their psychiatrist prescribes.) 

My aim is to help empower people. One major problem with depression is that we feel powerless and weak. I fear we reinforce the passivity of depressive thinking when we send the message, just take a pill and let it do the work. And no effort is made to develop new ways of thinking or developing a more empowering perspective. An opportunity can be lost to develop new skills. 

I focus on the “how” side of things. Earlier I mentioned that many people ask why they are experiencing depression. “Why” questions are helpful understanding context but they rarely lead to solutions that are helpful. They lead to blame or understanding, but introspective understanding can fall short in changing depression. For instance, if a client gains an understanding that they experience depression because a parent was distant or harsh, then what do you do with that? You can’t change the past. As a therapist I look for ways to make changes, so I can’t change who your family members are or what they have done in the past or even what they do now. I can help you change how you respond to life events, to your environment or even how you make sense of your past. This includes addressing thinking patterns, changing what you anticipate or expect to happen. I can even help you develop new skills that empower you to change your “chemical imbalance.” 

I don’t ignore the why questions, they aren’t filthy, I just don’t focus on them when I am in a problem solving phase. I also understand that sometimes people need to ask “Why” questions before they get to the “How.” I respect that and utilize this need when it’s indicated. I also recognize that why questions can identify reasons for motivation, negative or positive. The focus needs to shift at some point to how to make changes. Someone can have all the motivation in the world to change their mood from feeling depressed to feeling happy, but if they don’t know how, frustration and helplessness can overwhelm the high motivation and destroy it. If you are not careful, dwelling on the why something is happening can reinforce the depression.

So I do focus on how questions. If you happen to consult with me, don’t be surprised when I ask “How” questions. So, here’s a question, How do “how” questions lead to solutions? Let me demonstrate something. 

Why did you find out about that new recipe; why did you make such delicious rolls? Why did you pay off your mortgage in 15 years? Why did you lose 10 pounds in a month? Why did you finish that puzzle so quickly? Just for a quick little exercise, read those questions replacing “Why” with “How.” Much more helpful right? Let me invite you to move past the question of “What causes depression?” and begin moving forward with asking how we can overcome the depression. Let your brain work on that puzzle until my next post where I explain more specific ways to battle and manage depression.

Stop the Misery Train: How to Ditch the Pity Party and Actually Feel Better

Remember that time you woke up with a scratchy throat, and by the end of the weekend, you were convinced you were on your deathbed? I do. Just a few years ago, a simple head cold had me spiraling. Sneezing fits, a pounding headache, and the dramatic thought, "I'd rather be dead than deal with this," were my constant companions. Sound familiar?

I was deep in a self-pity vortex, a place many of us have visited. But then, a little voice cut through the drama: "Whatever! You've been lucky – it's been a while. You'll get through this."

And just like that, the clouds parted. Suddenly, I wasn't a victim of a terrible illness; I was a person with a problem to solve. My brain switched gears, and a simple self-care strategy emerged:

• Step #1: Early bedtime whenever humanly possible. (Sleep is magic, even if it's just a little extra.)

• Step #2: Skip the drowsy meds. (Trading a cold for zombie-like grogginess? No thanks.)

• Step #3: Hydrate like a desert flower. (Water is the unsung hero of recovery.)

Honestly, I'm not sure how much these steps sped up my physical recovery, but they were a game-changer for my mental state. They pulled me out of the misery swamp and onto solid ground.

The Allure (and Absurdity) of Making Yourself Miserable

Let's be real, sometimes we're really good at feeling bad. Ever thrown yourself a full-blown pity party? If not, you might be missing out on a strange human experience. But is wallowing in misery actually helpful? Spoiler alert: probably not.

If you're looking to master the art of feeling awful, here's your foolproof guide:

• Hyper-focus on the problem. Chew on it like a sad, stale piece of gum. Let it ferment in your brain until you're nothing but abysmal mush. Maybe even start a blog dedicated to your suffering.

• Dwell on everything you're missing out on. The possibilities for comparison and regret are endless!

• Compare yourself to others. Especially those who, in your opinion, should be suffering just as much as you are (think in-laws, friends with seemingly perfect lives, politicians, celebrities – the list goes on).

• Embrace counterproductive coping mechanisms. Dive headfirst into avoidance strategies like binge-watching questionable TV, self-medicating with that extra glass of wine (or three), or endlessly scrolling through social media, comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides.

• Become a blame-shifting expert. Even if someone is only 0.001% responsible, make sure they carry the full weight of your woes. Externalize everything!

• Pretend the problem doesn't exist. Avoidance makes you look chill and flexible... right up until the moment the ignored issue explodes in your face like a glitter bomb of negativity.

Okay, okay, we can all agree this isn't exactly a recipe for a fulfilling life. But sometimes, shining a light on the absurdity of our negative thought patterns is the first step towards finding a better way. As therapists and problem-solvers often say, our attempts to solve problems can sometimes become the actual problem.

The Real Strategy for Rising Above

Instead of subscribing to the Pity Party Playbook, let's explore a more empowering approach:

• Shift your focus to solutions. Remember my cold? The moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started thinking about what I could do, everything changed. That mindset shift alone was incredibly empowering.

• Recognize the skills you're developing. Every challenge, no matter how unpleasant, is an opportunity for growth. Maybe you're building patience, resilience, problem-solving skills, or even just a greater appreciation for your health.

• Learn from those who've been there. Sometimes, the best roadmap forward is paved by those who have navigated similar terrain. Seek out stories and advice from people who have overcome what you're facing.

• Take action, even if it's tiny. Trying new behaviors, improving discipline in small ways, and making consistent, small efforts add up to big changes over time. Don't underestimate the power of baby steps.

• Celebrate progress, no matter how small. Did you manage to get out of bed before noon today? That's a win! Went an hour without checking social media? Celebrate it! Acknowledge your efforts and build momentum.

• Use perspective as your superpower. Imagine your future self looking back at this current struggle. Will it still feel like the end of the world? Probably not. Zoom out and gain some perspective.

Your Turn: Time to Take Action

Let's ditch the misery and embrace a more proactive approach. Consider these questions:

• What challenges are you currently facing, and how can you consciously shift your focus from dwelling on the problem to actively seeking solutions?

• Have you inadvertently been following any of the "Pity Party Playbook" steps? What's one small step you can take today to reverse that pattern?

• What valuable skills are you developing as you navigate your current struggles? Acknowledge your inner strength!

• How can you celebrate even the smallest wins this week to keep your motivation levels up?

Life will inevitably throw curveballs our way. But the choice of how we respond – whether we sink into misery or rise above the challenge – is ultimately ours. Choose wisely. Choose empowerment. Choose to stop the misery train.