Lost Dog, Lost Kid, and a Lesson in Calm Parenting

Years ago, my wife and I had the good fortune of watching my brother’s three kids for a couple of days. We stayed at their home since the older two were in school and needed some sense of routine. I’ve babysat for family before, but this was the first time I had done so for my brother—and the first time I learned something I still carry with me today.

It started with a moment I’ll never forget. I was mid-sentence, typing away at my computer, when I heard my wife’s voice from another room:
“I need your help.”
That was it. No passive comments like, “It’d be nice if you helped,” or sarcastic remarks like, “A little help here…” Just clear, direct, respectful communication. And because I know my wife—how responsible and capable she is—I knew she wouldn’t ask unless it really mattered.

Turns out, it did.
My nephew, the youngest, had slipped out the front door with our dog, Ginger, and both were now missing. We called out. No answer. A few anxious minutes later, I spotted them near a busy road. They were fine, but that short walk back home gave me time to think about how I wanted to handle the situation.

How do you discipline a child in a way that teaches rather than punishes? That builds trust instead of fear?

That very morning, I had seen a Facebook post about Dr. Dan Siegel’s book No Drama Discipline, which challenges traditional ideas like time-outs. While I’ve seen time-outs work in some cases, I agree that isolating kids can sometimes do more harm than good—especially when connection is what they need most. Disciplining in a way that disconnects the child from us emotionally misses the point.

So instead of launching into a lecture or issuing a punishment, I tried a different approach.

First, I acknowledged what my nephew was trying to do: he wanted to go to the park. Then I calmly explained how worried my wife and I were when we didn’t know where he had gone. At first, he resisted. He was quiet, squirmy, and tried to wriggle off my lap. But I stayed with him—literally and emotionally.

I told him he could go to the park, but only when he was ready to promise he’d let us know where he was going next time. When the rest of the family started heading toward the park, his discomfort grew. I gently repeated the question:
“Will you just let us know next time so your aunt feels safe letting you go?”
He nodded. That was the turning point. I praised his choice and told him I trusted he could do it.

That whole experience reminded me how powerful communication can be—not just in parenting, but in all relationships.

Here are five principles that guided me in that moment and that continue to shape how I work as a therapist, parent, and partner:

1. Be clear, concise, and direct. Say what you mean. Don’t make people guess.

2. Acknowledge emotions and intentions. This builds understanding and keeps people from getting defensive.

3. Ask for commitment. Don’t just talk at someone—invite them into the solution.

4. Be willing to follow through. I was prepared to miss out on writing so I could sit with my nephew. Kids (and adults) need to know our words mean something.

5. Reassure and repair. After conflict, reconnect. Praise effort. Rebuild the bridge.

Now, it’s your turn.

Think about a recent moment of conflict or misunderstanding in your life—whether with a child, partner, co-worker, or friend—and ask yourself:

• Where could I have been clearer or more direct in my communication?

• Did I acknowledge the other person’s emotions or intentions—or just push my own point?

• What kind of commitment or follow-through would help build trust in that relationship?

Pick one principle from the list above that resonates with you. Practice it this week. See what changes.

You don’t have to be perfect—just intentional. That’s where real connection starts.

Slowing Down Isn’t Failing: Lessons from a Leash and a Jog

Not too long ago, I went for a run. Now, to be clear—I don’t run often, and when I do, it’s slow and short. But I always feel better afterward. This time, I had some special companions: my daughter in a stroller and our dog, Ginger—a golden retriever/lab mix who lives for moments like these. Just the sight of my running shoes sends her into a tail-wagging frenzy.

We headed into the canyon near our home, the river running alongside us and the air just the right kind of cool. Everything felt perfect. Downhill stretches always trick me into thinking I’m an athlete, so I was feeling great after the first mile.

But as we began climbing back uphill, I noticed Ginger falling behind. She wasn’t physically tired—not yet—but she kept looking over her shoulder. Cyclists whizzed by, and every one of them seemed to rattle her. Instead of focusing on me and our direction, she got caught up in everything happening around her. When I could get her attention, she’d visibly relax and catch back up. But the more she fixated on potential threats, the more she lagged behind, anxious and unsure.

And then it hit me: we're all a little like Ginger.

We start out strong, full of good intentions and energy. But along the way, anxiety creeps in. We start looking sideways—at what others are doing, at what might go wrong, at past missteps—and suddenly we lose momentum. Fear starts calling the shots.

Sure, Ginger was a little tired. And so are we sometimes. As Vince Lombardi once said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” When we’re worn down, fear has an easier time convincing us to stop, to play small, or to turn around. Anxiety thrives when we’re tired and distracted.

That night on the trail, I realized how often I do the same thing—how often I let fear of failure, rejection, or disappointment slow me down. Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’ve hit pause. We just keep scanning the horizon for what might go wrong instead of looking ahead to where we want to go.

Like my brother-in-law, who once told me he never washes his car because every time he does, it rains. It sounds silly, but don’t we do this too? We avoid doing things that might not “last.” We don’t clean, write, create, or grow—because what’s the point if it’s just going to get messy again?

But life is messy. And we’re meant to keep moving through it anyway.

That’s why we need regular refueling—not just with food, but with encouragement, perspective, and tools to stay focused. You wouldn’t skip meals just because you’ll get hungry again. So why skip the habits that energize you just because the boost might not last forever?

Here are a few simple practices that help me stay focused on the run:

1. Use positive language.
Instead of saying, “Don’t forget,” say “Remember to…” This small shift helps your brain focus on what you want to do, not what you’re trying to avoid. It works wonders with kids—and with your own inner dialogue.

2. Add the word “yet.”
“I can’t do this” becomes “I can’t do this yet.” One little word can turn a dead end into a detour.

3. Think small.
Don’t try to clean the whole house. Just dust the bookshelf. Shrinking the goal helps build momentum.

4. Use music.
Upbeat music can give you a boost when you’re dragging. Gentle tunes can help calm anxiety. Choose your playlist with purpose.

5. Chew gum.
Seriously. It’s weirdly effective. Sometimes your body just needs a simple, sensory reset.

So here’s the big takeaway: Focus on where you’re going, not everything that might go wrong along the way.

You might not move fast. That’s okay. Just keep your eyes forward—and keep going.

Questions to Reflect & Take Action:

1. What distractions or fears are pulling your focus away from the direction you want to go?

2. Where can you use the word “yet” to reframe a limitation in your life?

3. What’s one small step you can take today—just dust the bookshelf—to build momentum?

Want help staying focused? Share what’s holding you back in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.

From Spiderman Costumes to Missed Opportunities: Lessons Regret Taught Me

If I were ever granted wishes from a genie, one of them would be this: to live my life over again—but with all the knowledge and experience I’ve gathered so far. Just imagine the possibilities. Oh, the mistakes I could avoid.

Like the time in kindergarten when I was too afraid to ask my teacher for help untying my plastic Spiderman costume so I could go to the bathroom. That fear didn’t save me twenty minutes later in the play area.

Or all those awkward teenage moments when I couldn’t talk to a girl without forgetting how to speak English entirely. What exactly was I so afraid of?

And here’s one that really stings—I had a shot at buying a three-bedroom condo in San Diego back in 1999 for $111,000. I passed on it. Today, it’s worth over $350,000.

So yeah, I could go on. But the point is, I don’t really relate to people who say they have no regrets. I do. Plenty. But I’ve learned not to let those regrets define me. In fact, I’ve learned how to use them to my advantage.

Not long ago, I found myself on the outside looking in on full-time employment. I’d been planning for over a year to take a course in clinical hypnosis with Dr. Michael Yapko. It was a serious investment. And then, boom—I lost two-thirds of my income.

We were in the middle of a house renovation. My wife had just given birth to our first child. Money was tight. Everything about the situation screamed, “Don’t do it.”

But that’s exactly why I did.

I thought about all the times in my past I had talked myself out of opportunities like this. And I didn’t want to add one more regret to the pile. So I invested in myself.

That decision changed everything. Since completing the training, I’ve helped clients experience real transformation. Like the adolescent client who came to me just after being hospitalized for suicidal threats. After a guided imagery session, they learned healthier coping skills. Two sessions later, we had nothing to talk about—because they were thriving. No medication needed.

Another client—a woman with severe OCD—was trapped in a cycle of compulsive cleaning that was wrecking her marriage and career. One hypnosis session brought immediate relief. Over the next week, she cleaned only twice. That may not be everyone’s outcome, but it’s not rare either.

I share these stories not to boast, but to show how regret, when used wisely, can push us forward. We’re constantly told by marketers that we’re missing out—and they bank on our regrets. So why not use that same emotional force to improve your own life, instead of someone else’s bottom line?

Here’s how:

• Believe it’s possible to change. You’re not stuck. The average Baby Boomer held 11 jobs between the ages of 18 and 46—back when job security was still a thing. Change is not only possible, it’s normal.

• Use regret as fuel. Let it motivate you instead of shame you.

• Focus. Start small and specific. Regret in relationships? Try expressing appreciation for something mundane—like thanking your partner for paying the power bill. Just that. Today.

• Regret not being more social? Start by saying “hi” to coworkers and asking about their weekend.

• Feel disorganized? Put on some music and declutter your office. Toss the easy stuff first.

• Inconsistent exercise habits? Start with your bedtime routine. Seriously. Turn off the TV, put down your phone, get some sleep. Your mornings—and your energy—will change.

I’m not saying it’s easy. But it is doable. You might as well use your regrets for good—after all, someone else already is.

So here’s where you come in:

1. What’s one regret you’ve been avoiding that could actually guide you toward growth?

2. What small, specific action can you take today to begin rewriting that story?

3. Who might benefit from your transformation if you chose to act now?

Your regrets don’t have to hold you back. They can become the very reason you move forward.

Stop the Misery Train: How to Ditch the Pity Party and Actually Feel Better

Remember that time you woke up with a scratchy throat, and by the end of the weekend, you were convinced you were on your deathbed? I do. Just a few years ago, a simple head cold had me spiraling. Sneezing fits, a pounding headache, and the dramatic thought, "I'd rather be dead than deal with this," were my constant companions. Sound familiar?

I was deep in a self-pity vortex, a place many of us have visited. But then, a little voice cut through the drama: "Whatever! You've been lucky – it's been a while. You'll get through this."

And just like that, the clouds parted. Suddenly, I wasn't a victim of a terrible illness; I was a person with a problem to solve. My brain switched gears, and a simple self-care strategy emerged:

• Step #1: Early bedtime whenever humanly possible. (Sleep is magic, even if it's just a little extra.)

• Step #2: Skip the drowsy meds. (Trading a cold for zombie-like grogginess? No thanks.)

• Step #3: Hydrate like a desert flower. (Water is the unsung hero of recovery.)

Honestly, I'm not sure how much these steps sped up my physical recovery, but they were a game-changer for my mental state. They pulled me out of the misery swamp and onto solid ground.

The Allure (and Absurdity) of Making Yourself Miserable

Let's be real, sometimes we're really good at feeling bad. Ever thrown yourself a full-blown pity party? If not, you might be missing out on a strange human experience. But is wallowing in misery actually helpful? Spoiler alert: probably not.

If you're looking to master the art of feeling awful, here's your foolproof guide:

• Hyper-focus on the problem. Chew on it like a sad, stale piece of gum. Let it ferment in your brain until you're nothing but abysmal mush. Maybe even start a blog dedicated to your suffering.

• Dwell on everything you're missing out on. The possibilities for comparison and regret are endless!

• Compare yourself to others. Especially those who, in your opinion, should be suffering just as much as you are (think in-laws, friends with seemingly perfect lives, politicians, celebrities – the list goes on).

• Embrace counterproductive coping mechanisms. Dive headfirst into avoidance strategies like binge-watching questionable TV, self-medicating with that extra glass of wine (or three), or endlessly scrolling through social media, comparing your insides to everyone else's outsides.

• Become a blame-shifting expert. Even if someone is only 0.001% responsible, make sure they carry the full weight of your woes. Externalize everything!

• Pretend the problem doesn't exist. Avoidance makes you look chill and flexible... right up until the moment the ignored issue explodes in your face like a glitter bomb of negativity.

Okay, okay, we can all agree this isn't exactly a recipe for a fulfilling life. But sometimes, shining a light on the absurdity of our negative thought patterns is the first step towards finding a better way. As therapists and problem-solvers often say, our attempts to solve problems can sometimes become the actual problem.

The Real Strategy for Rising Above

Instead of subscribing to the Pity Party Playbook, let's explore a more empowering approach:

• Shift your focus to solutions. Remember my cold? The moment I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started thinking about what I could do, everything changed. That mindset shift alone was incredibly empowering.

• Recognize the skills you're developing. Every challenge, no matter how unpleasant, is an opportunity for growth. Maybe you're building patience, resilience, problem-solving skills, or even just a greater appreciation for your health.

• Learn from those who've been there. Sometimes, the best roadmap forward is paved by those who have navigated similar terrain. Seek out stories and advice from people who have overcome what you're facing.

• Take action, even if it's tiny. Trying new behaviors, improving discipline in small ways, and making consistent, small efforts add up to big changes over time. Don't underestimate the power of baby steps.

• Celebrate progress, no matter how small. Did you manage to get out of bed before noon today? That's a win! Went an hour without checking social media? Celebrate it! Acknowledge your efforts and build momentum.

• Use perspective as your superpower. Imagine your future self looking back at this current struggle. Will it still feel like the end of the world? Probably not. Zoom out and gain some perspective.

Your Turn: Time to Take Action

Let's ditch the misery and embrace a more proactive approach. Consider these questions:

• What challenges are you currently facing, and how can you consciously shift your focus from dwelling on the problem to actively seeking solutions?

• Have you inadvertently been following any of the "Pity Party Playbook" steps? What's one small step you can take today to reverse that pattern?

• What valuable skills are you developing as you navigate your current struggles? Acknowledge your inner strength!

• How can you celebrate even the smallest wins this week to keep your motivation levels up?

Life will inevitably throw curveballs our way. But the choice of how we respond – whether we sink into misery or rise above the challenge – is ultimately ours. Choose wisely. Choose empowerment. Choose to stop the misery train.

Practicing at Life

The Power of Practice: Turning Setbacks into Stepping Stones

When I was much younger, I spent hours in my driveway practicing free throws. In my mind, I wasn’t just a kid with a basketball—I was Larry Bird in the NBA Finals. Three seconds on the clock, down by one against the Lakers. I would repeat the scenario over and over, visualizing the pressure, taking the shot, and improving with each attempt. That repetition built my confidence, and eventually, I got the chance to put my skills to the test in a city league free throw competition. I won.

Fast forward to today—I’ve taken up golf. Before playing a round with friends, I spent some time at the driving range, testing out different clubs. I felt pretty good with my driver, sending shots soaring to the fence. When it was time to hit the actual course, my first tee shot was solid—but then reality set in. I found myself off the fairway, struggling to get the ball onto the green. I miffed shot after shot. The frustration set in, but then I recognized a pattern: at the driving range, I needed multiple attempts with each club before I got the feel for it. On the course, however, I only got one shot at a time.

If only I could practice those shots over and over again!

Opportunities Over Obstacles

This experience made me realize something deeper: life works the same way. Learning to focus on opportunities rather than dead ends takes practice. Whether it’s free throws, golf swings, or life’s challenges, the follow-through matters.

Life presents plenty of opportunities to learn from our mistakes and setbacks. When we shift our mindset to see these challenges as temporary—not permanent—we can use them to our advantage. The key is committing to what is healthy, helpful, and useful so that failures don’t feel like roadblocks, but stepping stones.

Learning Through Repetition

Think about a skill you’ve mastered. Maybe it was learning an instrument, training for a sport, or picking up a new hobby. How did you stay focused? How did you talk yourself into pushing through the difficulty? That same persistence can be applied to the challenges you face today.

Deliberate practice—the kind that involves goal-setting, feedback, and repetition—is essential for mastering any skill. Whether in sports, academics, or professional growth, those who embrace mistakes as part of the learning process make the most progress.

So the next time you feel stuck, remember: repetition, focus, and mindset shape success. Just like in free throws or golf swings, the more you practice overcoming setbacks, the stronger you become. Keep swinging. Keep shooting. Keep growing.

Take Action

• What is one skill or goal you've been struggling with? How can you apply the principles of deliberate practice to improve?

• Think of a past failure—what lesson did it teach you? How can you use that knowledge to grow today?

• What small, consistent action can you take this week to build confidence in a challenging area of your life?

• Who in your life can you encourage to see setbacks as stepping stones? How can you help them stay motivated?

Let’s commit to growth—one shot, one swing, one step at a time.