Power and Control in Relationships: How to Navigate the Unbalanced Dance of Love

Have you ever found yourself chasing someone’s affection, feeling like they hold all the cards? If so, you’re not alone. Power dynamics in relationships can feel like an invisible force, tilting the scales in favor of the person who seems to care less. Let me take you back to my college days at Brigham Young University (BYU), where I learned this lesson the hard way—and discovered how to reclaim my own power without playing games.

A College Kid’s Quest for Love

In my twenties, I was a student at BYU, juggling classes, friendships, and a budding fascination with human behavior. As a Marriage and Family Therapy major, I was captivated by what makes people tick—especially in relationships. Unlike many of my peers, I didn’t feel the cultural pressure at BYU to tie the knot before graduation. I was single, social, and content, enjoying late-night conversations and adventures with friends.

But then, in my senior year, I met her. She was smart, funny, and everything I thought I wanted. The catch? While we were friends, her interest in me didn’t match mine for her. I found myself in a familiar trap: the more I cared, the less control I seemed to have. One night, over a deep conversation with my buddy Jared, we played armchair philosophers, dissecting love and attraction. We stumbled upon a principle that hit hard: In any relationship, the person with less interest holds more power.

It stung. I was tired of feeling powerless, chasing someone who wasn’t chasing me back. But instead of accepting this as an unchangeable truth, I decided to challenge it. What could I do when the scales of interest felt so uneven?

The Power Principle: Truth or Trap?

The idea that the less interested person holds more power isn’t just a college dorm theory—it’s a widely recognized dynamic in psychology. When we’re more invested, we might bend over backward to win someone’s approval, losing sight of our own worth. But here’s the kicker: this dynamic only has power over you if you let it.

So, what are your options when you’re the one who cares more? The knee-jerk reaction is to try harder—be funnier, more attractive, or more available. But that often backfires, leaving you feeling even more powerless. Instead, I learned three practical ways to navigate this imbalance without losing yourself:

1. Shift Your Focus Inward

Instead of obsessing over how to win someone over, invest in yourself. Pursue your passions, build your confidence, and grow into the person you admire. When I stopped fixating on her and started focusing on my own goals—like excelling in my therapy studies and strengthening friendships—I felt more grounded. Ironically, this self-assurance made me more attractive, not just to her but to others.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries

It’s tempting to be overly available to someone you like, but that can signal desperation. Respect your own time and energy. If they’re not reciprocating, don’t keep pouring yourself into the relationship. I learned to say “no” to late-night hangouts when I knew they weren’t leading anywhere, and it helped me regain a sense of control.

3. Embrace the Power of Choice

You always have a choice—even when it feels like you don’t. You can choose to stay in a one-sided dynamic, or you can walk away and open yourself to relationships that feel mutual. For me, this meant accepting that my friend might never see me the way I saw her. It wasn’t easy, but letting go freed me to meet people who valued me as much as I valued them.

Reclaiming Your Power in Love

Power in relationships isn’t about manipulation or playing hard to get. It’s about owning your worth and refusing to let someone else’s level of interest define you. Whether you’re navigating a crush, a friendship, or a long-term partnership, these principles can help you find balance and confidence.

Looking back, my BYU experience taught me that love doesn’t have to be a game of power and control. By focusing on my own growth, setting boundaries, and embracing my choices, I found freedom—and eventually, relationships that felt equal and fulfilling.

Ready to Take Control of Your Relationships?

If you’re tired of feeling powerless in love, it’s time to rewrite the script. Start by reflecting on one small step you can take today to reclaim your confidence—whether it’s pursuing a passion, saying “no” to unbalanced dynamics, or opening yourself to new connections.

If you’d like to talk through relationship issues reach out and Schedule a free consultation with me to see how we can work together on your relationships.

Depression is Lame

Depression is lame. Have you experienced depression? Struggling with depression? It can affect everything, even the taste of food. At Peak Relational Counseling, we provide depression therapy to help young adults and others to break free from the grey apathy or red anger that clouds their lives. If you’ve ever felt like you’re living in a fog, you’re not alone. When I work with clients, they often ask, “Why do I feel this way?” As a therapist for many young adults, I explore their perspectives on what causes depression, but the real power lies in moving beyond “why” to “how.”

What Causes Depression? Insights from Therapy

What do you think causes depression? Is it spiritual, environmental, or a chemical imbalance? In my experiences conducting mental health counseling in Utah County, I hear clients point to distant parents, struggling marriages, or brain chemistry. Understanding these causes can guide us toward solutions, but it’s not always enough. If your depression stems from a complacent spouse or an unchangeable past, where does that leave you?

The truth is, depression is complex. According to Harvard Health, it’s rarely one factor. A chemical imbalance might play a role, but behavioral habits—like late nights, poor diet, or isolation—can create or worsen it. In my experience with depression therapy, we don’t just treat the “why.” We address the “how” with actionable steps. While medication can help, therapy for depression empowers you to regain control.

I think it can be helpful to understand what we know about depression because our explanation or ideas about what causes depression can push us toward attempted solutions, or in some cases a dead end. If you think the answer to what causes depression is 100% spiritual then you may try a spiritual solution. And if that doesn’t work, are you depressed because you are a bad person and are not trying hard enough? If you think depression is caused primarily due to an environmental factor like your marriage, what do you do if your spouse is complacent and refuses to work on the relationship? Are you doomed to suffer from depression until the marriage ends? Is it merely a chemical imbalance that just requires a pill or combination of medications to get things back in balance in the brain? What happens if you can’t find the right pill or the side effects cause you to gain weight or destroy your libido, gain weight, feel totally numb or just don’t work like 2/3 of the people that try them? 

Chances are the cause of our depression is more complex than most of us realize. A magic bullet therefore needs to be sophisticated for it to work and requires more than remembering to take the anti-depressant on time. I want to refer to the Harvard health website. If you search online the question: “What causes depression?” The first legitimate site you can turn to is found here: http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/what-causes-depression.htm. As they explain, depression is typically caused by a number of factors. The short answer I hear a lot from some professionals is that it is a chemical imbalance. The implication sometimes is that taking the right medication will solve your depression. In some cases that is the case. However, one thing to remember is that a chemical imbalance can be caused by behavioral factors. For instance, if you are generally happy but for whatever reason get in the habit of watching TV every night for a couple of hours, staying up late, eating unhealthy foods, checking your Facebook feed frequently, and not getting any kind of exercise or other fulfilling stimulation, eventually you will feel lethargic, unfulfilled and eventually genuinely depressed. Now you have a chemical imbalance. Is it possible to correct a chemical imbalance by taking medications? Clearly it is possible and warranted in some cases. I am glad for people where all they need is medication and the side effects are minimal. Let me be clear, I do not tell people to not use medications. (Especially if the depression is part of a bipolar cycle. Bipolar depression is a different animal altogether than Depression. I encourage clients who are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder to take what their psychiatrist prescribes.) 

My aim is to help empower people. One major problem with depression is that we feel powerless and weak. I fear we reinforce the passivity of depressive thinking when we send the message, just take a pill and let it do the work. And no effort is made to develop new ways of thinking or developing a more empowering perspective. An opportunity can be lost to develop new skills. 

I focus on the “how” side of things. Earlier I mentioned that many people ask why they are experiencing depression. “Why” questions are helpful understanding context but they rarely lead to solutions that are helpful. They lead to blame or understanding, but introspective understanding can fall short in changing depression. For instance, if a client gains an understanding that they experience depression because a parent was distant or harsh, then what do you do with that? You can’t change the past. As a therapist I look for ways to make changes, so I can’t change who your family members are or what they have done in the past or even what they do now. I can help you change how you respond to life events, to your environment or even how you make sense of your past. This includes addressing thinking patterns, changing what you anticipate or expect to happen. I can even help you develop new skills that empower you to change your “chemical imbalance.” 

I don’t ignore the why questions, they aren’t filthy, I just don’t focus on them when I am in a problem solving phase. I also understand that sometimes people need to ask “Why” questions before they get to the “How.” I respect that and utilize this need when it’s indicated. I also recognize that why questions can identify reasons for motivation, negative or positive. The focus needs to shift at some point to how to make changes. Someone can have all the motivation in the world to change their mood from feeling depressed to feeling happy, but if they don’t know how, frustration and helplessness can overwhelm the high motivation and destroy it. If you are not careful, dwelling on the why something is happening can reinforce the depression.

So I do focus on how questions. If you happen to consult with me, don’t be surprised when I ask “How” questions. So, here’s a question, How do “how” questions lead to solutions? Let me demonstrate something. 

Why did you find out about that new recipe; why did you make such delicious rolls? Why did you pay off your mortgage in 15 years? Why did you lose 10 pounds in a month? Why did you finish that puzzle so quickly? Just for a quick little exercise, read those questions replacing “Why” with “How.” Much more helpful right? Let me invite you to move past the question of “What causes depression?” and begin moving forward with asking how we can overcome the depression. Let your brain work on that puzzle until my next post where I explain more specific ways to battle and manage depression.